AWARD WINNER AGAIN

Parenting Teens -- The Underachieving Child" May Not Really be An Underachiever At All

Every now and then I stop to read a magazine on parenting teens, or listen to mothers discuss their newest issues in raising their children.    Early today, I over heard a parent ask her friends this question about her underachieving 15 year old---

" What do you do with a 15 year-old freshman who has been described by a teacher as "sometimes almost brilliant"  and who just brought home 3 C's on his report card?  With the note "work turned in late/incomplete."

and then she had specific recommendations---  asked as questions...

A. drag him to a psychologist to discuss his feelings about his father's mental illness and disappearance 

B. punish him (how?) 

C. set up a reward (bribe?) 

D. make him go to summer school, missing the family vacation, if his final grade is a C (this would go against other family values) 

E. other ______________ 

F. all of the above

His only input is that the teachers involved don't like him/he doesn't like them/or the work is boring.

Thanks in advance for all your suggestions. I'm not feeling confident in my "parenting of a teenager" abilities.

Another mother commented --  "Last report on my son's card had two D's on it, one in Ceramics, if you can believe that.  My smart 16-y-o son  has been utterly unmotivated since Middle School. and his 13-y-o brother is close behind. I don't know how to solve this problem but I will tell you what I've tried, and what the result was. Maybe others on the list will have ideas. If not, we can at least cry together on the mailing list!

1. punishments - I've tried all these for periods of a week to an entire grading period: come straight home after school, no TV, no video/computer games, no weekend sleepovers, no more allowance Result: no noticable results

2. rewards - instead of allowance, hefty bonus for A's and B's, nothing for C's, deductions for D's and F's. Extra bonus of TV in his room for all As and Bs. Result: slight improvement first grading period but zero profits all grading periods since then and he never qualified for the TV

3. nagging & lectures - "Where do you want to be in 2 years?" "How will you live in the Bay Area on miniumum wage?" "How will you get into college with a 2.3 GPA?" "When I was in High School" "All the Things you Have that I Didn't Have" etc. etc. etc. Even his friends nag him about his crummy grades. Result: if he's feeling happy, he says either "I guess I'm just lazy" or "Mom - think of what you're doing to my self-esteem" If his self-esteem is low, or I push him too hard, he says: "You just want me to be perfect! I'm not like you were!" and there is a big screaming fight and we both feel terrible for days .... I know self-esteem does come into this, but how do you preserve their self-esteem while still trying to prevent them from making huge mistakes?

4. private school - my son takes this as a threat. Very possibly this might have helped, but he loves the social life  so much, and it is so important to him to be with the friends he's known since kindergarten, that I have never seriously considered this.

5. tutoring - this is about the same as trying to get him to do regular school work, only there is an additional person also trying, and you have to pay them to do it. The problem is not that he doesn't understand the material - he doesn't want to do it. The tutor also wasn't able to convince him to do it.

6. phoning/meeting with teachers - Result: predictable ("He doesn't turn in the work") This can also have the undesired effect of turning the teacher's attention to a previously unnoticed poor student, which has a couple of times for us meant even WORSE grades - now the teacher is expecting lousy performance from your kid so even if he improves, he may be already tagged for failure. On the other hand, I think it's good to meet with the teacher now and then so your kid knows you are interested, and that you care about his school work and are trying to find a way to make things better.

7. meeting with the school counselor - This was beneficial. The counselor listed all the classes and credits he's taken and he is actually not doing as badly as we thought, even though his grades suck, as he puts it. She had some helpful suggestions (find a study group). We felt encouraged. She also suggested we NOT take him off his jr. varsity team, something we had considered, because outside activities help with college applications. I also realized that being on the team is a big part of his identity, and that it helps him feel important and useful, so it would be devastating to have that taken away even if it interferes with his academic performance, which I am not so sure about.

8. talking with my friends - this helps a lot. Everyone has stories of the sister/nephew/husband/son who went thru high school with a C average and then blossomed in college when he found his niche. Or even later than college. Or maybe never, but "he's a really nice guy and everyone loves him." Seriously, some of my friends have teenagers who are brilliant in school, same schools as my kids all the way through, have fabulous GPA's and all sorts of extra-curricular activities, and are highly self-motivated, seemingly right out of the womb. That does get discouraging and it's hard to acknowledge that my kid just isn't like that. But it still helps to talk to other parents, because there are all sorts of kids, some better off than yours but some worse off too.

9. focusing on his good points - He's a personable guy, enjoyable to be around, has a good bunch of friends. These attributes can sometimes be more useful in life than stellar grades. And we have a pretty good relationship and he has never given me any problems with bad or risky behavior, which I am grateful for. I hardly ever tell him I appreciate these qualities, and I should do it more, now that I think about it - it seems like they can't get enough praise. He doesn't say anything back, but if I just say "You look nice in that shirt" his face lights up!

Anyway, I hope you don't put too much blame on yourself, because there are a lot of us out here struggling with the exact same problem, and there don't seem to be any easy solutions, at least not that I've found. But I'm always open to new ideas, so if anyone has something, send it on!"

Then the third mother chimed in and said  "This situation sounds just like my 14 year-old, down to the "sometimes almost brilliant" who just brought home 3 C's "work turned in late/incomplete." First, the parenting of teenagers just isn't something to feel that confident about unless your child is a mutant. Having a child who is brilliant but won't do the work is a constant struggle! Don't give up."

I see a lot of kids, and sometimes the issues are real, and sometimes, they are just being teens.  You can not force a child to do something they do not want to do... so you might have to look to other ideas not mentioned here.

There are therapist who work with teens, and you can find them at PsychologyToday.com  - find a therapist.  There are many therapists close to you who can work with your child and determine quickly is it might be worth screening him for a brain disorder/mental illness; or if the material is so boring to your "almost brilliant" child should be put into a more challenging program.  

If there is mental illness in the family,  you need to accept that sometimes these conditions are hereditary.   If that is the case,  treating the underlying illness might help him get back on track.  Another issue may be that in fact he is coping with a learning difference that has gone undiagnosed or he is bright and he needs a more challenging and engaging environoment.  Testing is very important here.... either with a therapist or educational consultant.

The only thing that is more challenging than parenting a teenager is parenting a teenager with learning differences or personality disorders,   but these issues can be addresses and treatments offered to help. Finding out if there is anything going on with the brain chemistry can really help.

Parents need to find out what the core issues are, and then you will see improvement most of the time.

"H" IS FOR HELICOPTER PARENTS

“H” Is For Helicopter Parent. That dreaded label hovers over all parents as we try to help (and yes, over help) their children, to the point where when a child has to stand on their own, they can't. It is never more evident than when these children apply to college. That’s when parents become, well…"CRAZY".

 Legends abound about parents writing essays, berating admissions officers, and, in some particularly creative urban instances, apply to schools on behalf of their own offspring’s behalf.  Well,  much of it, if now all is true.  Colleges and Universities have now gotten on track and have recently instilled new measures to assure that the student who is in fact apply is the student, not a parent, not an agent, not anyone other than the student. Like the person(s) who tries to defend themselves in a court of law, parents who try to oversee the college admissions process are their own worse enemy.

 So we have one parent who summed up her college admissions experiences with her children like this... and we thought we would share with you this woman's experience.

  Why Hire a College Consultant?

" So let me confess right here… I was more than happy to accept help from professional college admissions consultants when both of my children applied to college. But the reasons might surprise you. It wasn’t, as many might imagine, to micromanage every decision on their road to higher ed. Au contraire… it was to get my big “H” out of the way.

 It’s Your Child’s College Search, Not Yours.  My reasoning: as I approached my eldest daughter’s sophomore year in high school, I realized it was impossible – summarily and completely impossible! – for me to engage in her college choices without inserting myself into the equation. We all have dreams for our children. But as my children became young adults, it became clear that my dreams were not necessarily theirs. I’m city and luxury hotels. They’re woods and campgrounds. I’m Edith Wharton and F. Scott Fitzgerald; they’re Stephen Hawking and Jack Kerouac. I love everything about them and admire their drive to simplify and save the planet. And while it is my job as a parent to help guide them, I couldn’t help feeling that my presence might actually steer them in a new and unintended direction.

 An objective voice helped ensure any detours – in whatever directions – were theirs. And I got a much-needed voice to remind me that the label affixed to their college of choice – brand name or not – didn’t matter. It’s what they did when they got there that would make the difference; what they decided they wanted from a future career, and how hard they were willing to fight for it.

Save Your Time and Sanity: Leave it to the Experts Yes, I was happy for the essential how-to advice from the pros. But I also got assurance that my children were pursuing their dreams and not mine. And when worries wracked me, I had an educated resource to deflect my angst away from them. Maybe most important, I got the solace of knowing I wasn’t going to screw it up. The people I worked for liked it, too, since I wasn’t spending my days obsessively surfing which school made the “best party” list, or which one was voted “best seven years of my life.”

 My oldest in particular ended up pursuing a college I wasn’t especially familiar with and that I probably never would have picked for her. And you know what? It fits her like a glove. She loves the environment, she’s doing beautifully as a student, and she’s making carefully thought-out decisions about internships and summer jobs to set herself up for a great resume.

Every day, I’m impressed by something new – things I’m now certain she wouldn’t have accomplished if I had been in the driver’s seat. And all of it was achieved because I was miles out of the way. So if all of my experiences are worthy of the title, “helicopter…” Well slap on an “H,” and color me scarlet."

To all parents, please keep in mind ---   the college experience of your day is NOT what it is today... this is YOUR child's 4 years, not yours. A college consultant may initial look expensive and burdensome, but a trained college consultant can save you not only time and worry, but a consultant can save you thousands of dollars in costly mistakes.

NEED HELP?   Call for a FREE 1/2 hr. Consultation, no obligation!

THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS CONSULTANT

RULES ARE BEING PUT IN PLACE BY THE COMMISSION ON INTERNATIONAL RECRUITMENT FOR INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS

Today, China sends over 200,000 students to the United States each year for higher learning.  India sends about 50,000.  Other countries like to send their students as well.  

If you are one of these people who would like to study in the U.S.~~  take note!   As you begin your journey of preparing to study in the United States, you may be considering the option of hiring a consulting service provider to help you in this process.   Depending on where you live, such services could include a recruiter, broker or agent who charges fees or receives a commission for such things as helping you obtain a student visa, housing or other services. A recruiter is often known as Zhongjie in China and Yeo Haeng Saa in Korea.

It is important to know that you do not need to use a recruiter or agent in order to obtain a United States student visa. Free information about applying for an F or M visa is available from the US See the Department of State’s website.

What is important to know your rights and responsibilities and the problems you could encounter by hiring an agent or recruiter. Get all the facts up front and ask a lot of questions.  These recruiters do not hold professional membership in organizations like HECA, ICEA or NACAC.

Students and their families must ensure that their living arrangements in the United States are adequate for their needs. The arrangements a recruiter makes for you may not match how the recruiter describes them to you. A recruiter cannot prevent you from moving to a new living arrangement. Also, the fees paid for
your housing should not be tied to the agent or recruiter.


Additionally, and more importantly, you are a student must ensure that the school where you enroll meets your educational objectives. If it does not, a recruiter cannot prevent you from transferring to another school.  

Be aware that the US government cannot force recruiters to refund fees you have paid to them for not meeting your expectations (such as bad living arrangements or the school 
program not providing what you expected).

REMEMBER: KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN INTERNATIONAL RECRUITER/AGENT and a COLLEGE ADMISSIONS CONSULTANT.

Many recruiters/agents work for a specific school or many schools in the U.S.  In addition to charging families for their fees, they sometimes receive incentive compensation from the schools they represent which can lead to misrepresentation, “high pressure” sales, conflicts of interest, and other forms of detrimental behavior.  This behavior hurts international students and their families.

On the other hand, a college admissions consultant is a highly trained individual who belongs to at least one of the national organizations, stays current on the latest trends, tours colleges campuses and can give a family a first hand look at each of the schools in the United States.  A college admissions consultant is NOT affiliated with any college or university and have no specific ties to any one school, and the fees to families are less that that of agents.  The only fees they receive are from their client.  

If you are looking to attend college in the United States, We offer a FREE 1/2 hr. consultation to international families to answer their questions.  Feel free with no obligation to contact us about how we can help you reach your goals.

Temporary Relief for Immigrant Students (Deferred Action-- AKA Dream Act")

There is great news for undocumented students who are now seeking a chance to gain college access into U. S. Colleges and Universities. On June 15, 2012, President Obama announced a new policy allowing undocumented immigrants brought into the country as children the opportunity to avoid deportation.   The new policy, commonly referenced as 'Deferred Action', will allow undocumented immigrants under 30 to apply for two-year deferrals excluding them from deportation,  so long as they meet criteria similar to provisions found in the DREAM Act, including  being a student, high school graduate or veteran of the armed forces or Coast Guard. Unlike the DREAM Act, which would give people under the age of 35 a path to  citizenship, the new policy would not provide any increased opportunity to obtain legal permanent resident status.           For more information, please see the U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s website.

WHAT THE IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

It's refreshing when two of the supposed most intelligent institutions in the world make a LOUD but intelligent decision. This week, Harvard (followed an hour later by Princeton) announced that it would re-institute the single action early action policy it abandoned four years ago.

Across the country, students, parents and high school counselors are heaving an enormous collective sigh of relief. In 2006, Harvard and Princeton stated that by eliminating their early programs (Harvard had early action, Princeton early decision), they would reduce the overall stress of the admissions process and make it a more level playing field for minority applicants. But that's not what happened.

In fact, the past two years have seen not only prodigious upticks in freshmen applications at top tier schools, but also the consequent (and predictable) trickledown effect throughout the top 50 colleges. These schools have been overwhelmed with applications: Harvard up 15 percent, Columbia up 32 percent, Princeton up 98 percent over the past seven years, and as a result they have had to hire part time readers to wade through the huge volume of applications. Why is there a huge rise in applicants in the regular round? In brief, because in order to "save" themselves for a shot at Harvard and Princeton in the regular round, students were reluctant to apply to the five Ivies (Dartmouth, Columbia, Penn, Brown, Cornell) that offer only binding early decision policies, flocking instead to non-binding colleges like Yale, UC Berkeley, Stanford, MIT and University of Chicago, all of which have some form of early action.

Those schools bore the brunt of these "extra" applicants. Chicago, Stanford, and Yale experienced a 40 percent rise in applicants two seasons in a row. Naturally, these schools couldn't simply accept a higher percentage of students, so they ended up deferring or rejecting many talented students who in any other year would have fared much better. As a result, many of these extraordinary students, facing an early round rejection, panicked and applied to 20-30 colleges, clogging the system and driving up the regular admissions numbers at schools from the Ivies and little Ivies to schools like Vanderbilt, Johns Hopkins, Emory and Northeastern.

As applications went up in the regular round, admissions odds went down with colleges around the country experiencing record low admit rates. Where did admissions odds diminish the most? 

At Harvard. Historically Harvard's early action acceptance rate (in the chart below) was 20%-25%  and they filled almost half of the class through Early Action Applicants. Without it, the acceptance rate plummeted to 7 percent.

We know the Ivies have raised there standards across the board this year.  The only one who did not was Dartmouth, but they may have to conform down the road.

AN INTERNATIONAL FOCUS: INSIDER TIPS FOR INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS

What motivated nearly 200,000 Chinese students to study in the U.S. in 2013/14? How do you choose the institutions which best fits your unique strengths and interests? Are you prepared to tackle the complex admissions process of applying to U.S. universities?

If you are asking these questions and interested in studying in the U.S. but not sure about the application process or requirements, join our radio show on June 16, 2013 at 9:00 pm (PST).  You will learn tips on how to navigate the complex admissions process, what admissions officers are looking for in applications, and resources to help you integrate into U.S. classrooms.

Our Admissions Expert, a U.S. College Admissions Consultant, will share her knowledge and insider tips on the U.S. admissions process for not only Chinese students but students world wide and how to make you stand out among the rest of the applicants.  

Don’t miss out on this program! You will find answers to questions that will help you make an informed decision about applying to U.S. institutions. For example:

·         How can I choose a school or program that really fits me and improves my career prospect?

·         How important is the reputation and ranking of the school?

·         What skills and extra-curricular activities can I highlight in my personal statement and essays?

·         How should I prepare myself to better transition into a U.S. degree program? 

THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONSCONSULTANT'S SHOW

是什麼促使近20萬中國學生在美國學習，在2013/14？你如何選擇最適合您的獨特的優勢和利益的機構？你是否準備應對複雜的申請美國大學的招生過程中嗎？

如果你問這些問題，並有興趣在美國留學，但不知道應用程序或要求，加入我們的廣播節目，2013年6月16下午9:00（太平洋標準時間）。您將學習提示上如何瀏覽複雜的招生過程中，招生人員正在尋找在應用中，和資源來幫助你融入美國課堂。

我們的招生專家，美國大學招生顧問，將分享她的知識和對美國的招生過程中的內幕貼士，不僅是中國學生，但學生世界各地，以及如何使你脫穎而出的申請人之間的休息。

千萬不要錯過這個程序！你會找到答案的問題，這將有助於您做出明智的決定申請美國院校。例如：

我怎樣才能選擇一個真正適合我，提高了我的職業生涯前景的學校或計劃？

重要的是，學校的聲譽和排名如何？

我可以在我的個人陳述和散文突出什麼樣的技能和課外活動？

我應該如何準備自己，以更好地過渡到一個美國學位課程？

                   THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONSCONSULTANT'S SHOW

¿Qué motivó a cerca de 200.000 estudiantes chinos para estudiar en los EE.UU. en 2013/14? ¿Cómo elegir las instituciones que mejor se adapte a sus fortalezas e intereses únicos? ¿Estás preparado para hacer frente al complejo proceso de admisión de aplicar a las universidades de Estados Unidos?

Si usted está haciendo estas preguntas e interesados ​​en estudiar en los EE.UU., pero no estoy seguro sobre el proceso de solicitud o solicitudes, unirse a nuestro programa de radio el 16 de junio de 2013 a las 21:00 (hora del Pacífico). Usted aprenderá consejos sobre cómo navegar el proceso de admisión compleja, lo que los funcionarios de admisiones está buscando en las aplicaciones, y recursos para ayudar a integrar a las aulas estadounidenses.

Nuestro Admisiones Expert, una admisión a la universidad EE.UU. Consultor, compartirá sus conocimientos y consejos de expertos en el proceso de admisión a EE.UU., no sólo para los estudiantes chinos, pero los estudiantes todo el mundo y la manera de hacer que se destacan entre el resto de los solicitantes.

No te pierdas este programa! Va a encontrar respuestas a las preguntas que le ayudarán a tomar una decisión informada acerca de la aplicación a las instituciones estadounidenses. Por ejemplo:

¿Cómo puedo elegir una escuela o programa que realmente me encaja y mejora mi perspectiva de carrera?

¿Qué tan importante es la reputación y la clasificación de la escuela?

¿Qué habilidades y actividades extra-curriculares puedo destacar en mi intervención personal y ensayos?

¿Cómo debo preparar a mi mismo a una mejor transición a un programa de grado en EE.UU.?

THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONSCONSULTANT'S SHOW